Having a “Special Needs” Marriage

It’s a common theme that runs through the facebook groups, the mothers of kids with “Special Needs” venting about their husbands.

“He doesn’t understand.”
“He doesn’t support me.”
“He doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with our child.”

And then come the comments, mostly other mom’s telling all the reasons why their marriage ended in divorce. How there was no way it could have worked out because of x, y, z. Him. Him. Him. Always his shortcomings, his faults, his attitude. Sadly, most of these comments from other mom’s are telling the original poster to go ahead and throw in the towel. The marriage is doomed. Stop wasting your time.

I’m not going to lie. Some of these guys sound like huge jerks. But I’m guessing they’re the same jerk you said, “I do” to.

And while he’s sitting there zoning out in front of his screen of choice, and you’re researching into the middle of the night, trying to find answers for your child…the bitterness in your heart takes root and grows.

And when he doesn’t understand what you’re saying because he didn’t read the book you gave him, or go to your kid’s doctor appointment, or attend that conference….you water the bitterness with your tears of frustration, and it shoots up like a weed.

And then the fights start about all the money you’re spending on trying to heal your child, and he doesn’t think it’s possible anyway (because he didn’t read the book!) And the bitterness winds it’s tendrils around your soul and poisons your relationship beyond repair.

Or is it? Does it really have to end up in divorce? And, if you’re really honest with yourself, is THIS the best thing for your child? The one you’ve been spending every waking minute trying to save? You know your baby is still in there. And you know your baby needs you. AND her Daddy. And a safe, secure, loving home.  With both her parents.

I’m sorry if this post offends you. Really, I don’t want to hurt you. But I do want to be honest…and if that means stepping on toes, then so be it.

We need to get over ourselves. God gave this child to us for a reason. Both of US. This is the “sickness and in health” part. It’s not easy, but God didn’t promise us easy.

Oh, sister, I know it’s hard. Please don’t give up. Fight for your marriage with the same tenacity and faith and courage that you’ve used in the battle for your child. Never. NEVER give up. If God can heal your baby, He can heal your marriage.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”  And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”  (Revelation 21:3-5)

Lord, have mercy. Unscramble my bumbling words to have meaning for someone who needs them. Erase those that may cause pain. Replace them with Your love, mercy, and grace. In your Son’s name, Amen.


6 responses to “Having a “Special Needs” Marriage

  1. You’re right about that!! (Probably for good reason…if this was a mega blog, I’d probably get lots of hate comments right about now. Good thing we’re small beans here!! :))

  2. Wonderful post!! Just tonight I have been so saddened by how many women have implied or outright said their marriages ended because of their kids health issues. Caring for a special needs child isn’t easy, and having a spouse who doesn’t understand or agree has to be aweful, but I can’t imagine parenting a special needs child ALONE is easier. I guess it’s one less person to fight with daily, but the custody battles and blame throwing I see during and after divorce is heart breaking. I will be sharing this post!!

    • Thank you Colleen B! I feel the same way…it’s often a subject of PANDAS / PANS groups, and my heart aches for these families. Thank you for sharing!

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