Pretty sure I killed my daughter’s favorite kitten today. It wasn’t my fault. What kind of mother cat teaches her babies to hide under the car? (Really, mother cat, you’re the guilty one here. Take some cat motherhood classes please.)
But I’m the one that had to tell her little girl that her kitty is gone. I softened the blow…”Maybe she rode all the way to the grocery store and found a new home.” She accepted this as a plausible idea. Much better than imaging all of the horrific ways a kitten can die on the interstate. Or in an engine.
But I digress. Mommy guilt. That’s my subject. It’s a wrecking ball on my neck these days.
The more I research, the more I know, the more I blame myself for my daughter’s illness.
- Mold exposure—lowered her immune system setting her up for PANDAS disease. (My fault, since we moved to a place with mold.)
- Multiple Tick Bites—more than likely one of them had a tick disease, Babesia, Lyme, etc., which untreated could have also triggered her autoimmune disease / PANDAS. (My fault since we moved to a place with ticks and I let her play….gasp…OUTSIDE!)
- Add kitty murder to the list, and you’ve got the idea.
Here’s the crazy thing, of all the parents you know, you probably have one that’s in the category of, “Over the top helicopter mom protective”. That’s me. Even Pre-PANDAS, that was me. I barely slept a wink the first year of my child’s life. I cut the grapes into 1/4 chunks. I kept the carseat covered at all times in public, and never let her stay in the nursery at church, (there might be GERMS there, or non-organic Cheerios!) I soaked and ground our own wheat into flour, for goodness sake!
And here I am, completely out of control. I can not fix this. I can not go back and undo my 70 mph drive into town with a kitty under the car. I can not kill all the ticks in the woods. I can not save my baby single handedly from all the hardships she’s gone through and will have to go through in her life.
But I want to. Oh, I wish I could take it all on my back for her. My shoulders are much bigger than hers. My back is much stronger. My heart can handle more.
So says Jesus to me. He took my pain. He took my mommy guilt. He took my suffering on His strong shoulders so that I wouldn’t have to bear it alone. He took my punishment on the cross, for all my mistakes and mess ups and willful sins. He took it to the death. His heart could handle more. He did it for me. And for my little girls. And for you.
So when your heart is burdened with the guilt of the world. Take it to Him. His plan is greater, and He is still at work in your life, and the life of your child. Even when it seems like all is lost, and you’re overwhelmed by the noise and the chaos around you.
Let Him work, and rest in His love and His plan.
In the midst of the chaos, He is still the Prince of Peace.
PS. Mommy Guilt, you can go to Hell where you belong.
PSS. For an even better post on the issue of Momma Guilt, written by a mother of 6, 2 with Special Needs, check out this blog post from Above All Else, Love. She rocks my blog world and says what I meant to say. Really.
PSSS!!!! Guess Who was working answering my prayers last night? (I know, silly to pray for a kitty with all the hurting children in the world), But God hears even our silly prayers, even the ones about our daughter’s missing kitten, who showed up this morning, alive and well! Thank you, Lord, for answering my prayer and taking away one more load of mommy guilt, this time in the form of a fuzzy wuzzy six toed kitten. More than that, for showing me that you care about even the little things in our life, and You’re still listening.